28-04 2012
I'm depressed today. Why? well I accept my past..I can't change it..I'm not angry about the past..I can't change it.
I'm disturbed about today in this moment. Why? well I want to move on but its just so damn hard.
I've submitted hundreds of job applications in past two weeks and nothing, no interviews, only standard rejection responses. Its not easy now to cover up 25 years of gambling, I've had a few gaps in my career!
Friends - I don't have so many after a life of pushing them away and where my only hobby was gambling..all those gambling acquaintances are ditched now.
My immediate family (parents, brothers and sisters) - don't see them. and its been that way for the last 25 years. Still feel stigmatized by my family for my gambling addiction.
Gambling addiction and recovery is very lonely, and even today I still feel the stigma, the silence, nobody knows what to say particularly about the financial aspects of it, people don't understand so they distance themselves, they criticise, and even condemn..and certainly in everyday life there is not much empathy.
This is the single most important reason I have to remind myself that I MUST TRULY BELIEVE and close down the doubt and negativity that sometimes tries to take over. The only reason I have for a relapse or worse is that I stop to believe in myself, its not arrogance (a word I have heard recently about myself) but its my way to keep going forward.
I'm going out now for a bike ride! thanks for reading and please share #the secret addiction.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Gambling and my wife. Did she choose this life?
'....Someone who really loves you
sees what a mess you can be,
how moody you can get,
how hard you are to handle,
but still wants you in their life.....' - (My wife posted on facebook)
I have been with my wife for 11 years, she was 18 when we first started our relationship. Together we have a 3 year old son.
Life can be tough for some people by chance, not by their doing. I hid my gambling from my wife for seven years. By the time she became aware of my problem she had more than £50,000 of debt in her name that I had spent on gambling.
We moved to Slovakia (her home country) to start again, and I relapsed again after just one year. This time I spent more than 100,000 Euros on credit cards, loans etc. In Slovak law my wife is jointly liable for this debt with me by the fact that we are married.
We have lost our home, our jobs, and we live seperately by the charity of her parents. In Slovakia the debts stay with you for all your life, and only increase over time as more costs are added.
Did an 18 year old choose this life? This is how devastating gambling is to people's lives, please share this...and raise awareness....thank you.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Groundbreaking Scientific Reseach by Dr Luke Clark shows problem gamblers brains wired differently.
Watching this documentary produced by Matchlight and presented by Alexis Conran, Star of BBC Three's 'The Real Hustle' really makes me feel at peace with my life struggle to overcome my gambling addiction.
Although I have lived with gambling addiction for more than 25 years of my life it has taken me til this point in my life to find the way to overcome the addiction, although I will always be at risk of relapse.
What we now know through groundbreaking scientific research by Dr Luke Clark an expert in problem gambling from Cambridge University is that a gambling addict or problem gamblers brain is wired differently. (see 43 mins into this documentary, link below)
I have struggled with stigma associated with my gambling illness all my life including within my own immediate family. I was not in contact with my parents and two of my three brothers and sisters for six years of my life because of gambling, and it has taken a long time for them to understand and be able to show empathy rather than disgust.
Being a problem gamber is lonely, and the stigma associated with gambling addiction is unpleasant. I have talked about acceptance and self belief being for me the most important ingredients for my recovery and the reason is that over the years and because of my gambling people have constantly put me down and criticized:
'stupid', 'all his fault', 'not responsible', 'bad apple', 'disruptive', 'dishonest', 'bad with money', 'greedy', 'a lost cause', and so on.
I am proud of myself and my achievements in life living with this illness, and I am proud of the responsibility and ownership I have taken to overcome this addiction, and I am proud of myself that I can talk about it, even when it is hard to change years and years of negative perceptions of people who struggle with gambling addiction. I am not angry, and I ask for forgiveness from those I hurt over the years.
Gambling Addiction and Me:The Real Hustler
Although I have lived with gambling addiction for more than 25 years of my life it has taken me til this point in my life to find the way to overcome the addiction, although I will always be at risk of relapse.
What we now know through groundbreaking scientific research by Dr Luke Clark an expert in problem gambling from Cambridge University is that a gambling addict or problem gamblers brain is wired differently. (see 43 mins into this documentary, link below)
I have struggled with stigma associated with my gambling illness all my life including within my own immediate family. I was not in contact with my parents and two of my three brothers and sisters for six years of my life because of gambling, and it has taken a long time for them to understand and be able to show empathy rather than disgust.
Being a problem gamber is lonely, and the stigma associated with gambling addiction is unpleasant. I have talked about acceptance and self belief being for me the most important ingredients for my recovery and the reason is that over the years and because of my gambling people have constantly put me down and criticized:
'stupid', 'all his fault', 'not responsible', 'bad apple', 'disruptive', 'dishonest', 'bad with money', 'greedy', 'a lost cause', and so on.
I am proud of myself and my achievements in life living with this illness, and I am proud of the responsibility and ownership I have taken to overcome this addiction, and I am proud of myself that I can talk about it, even when it is hard to change years and years of negative perceptions of people who struggle with gambling addiction. I am not angry, and I ask for forgiveness from those I hurt over the years.
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